Your Heart, Not Mine

I love breaking hearts. Not in some weird psychopath way though, it's more than psychotic. 

We all like to feel powerful. It's human nature.

I work in retail; my job simply consists of being submissive and pleasing others. I live with my mother. Therefore, my opinion on house topics, doesn't matter. Her favorite saying is "if you don't like it, there's the door". I look like a prepubescent boy with a little giggly-child smile. It's a feat if someone likes me. I'm not gorgeous and sexy and jaw dropping. I'm an awkward-cute, at best, also a Scorpio. I'm lanky and weird and I'm pretty much fine with everything about me. I've grown to love myself despite how fucked up I am (or how fucked up I like to think I am. Disturbed people are cooler, right?). The point is, I'm nothing special, far from it. 

If you've ever read Diary of an Oxygen Thief just know, I'm not like that. If you haven't read it, the author (someone who remains anonymous) writes about his affliction for breaking hearts. He seeks women and enjoys their undeniable pain. He puts on the facade that he loves them, that he cares for them, and then derives pleasure from their heartbreak. I don't. I enjoy the relationships. I grow genuine feelings for the person. I sabotage them however. I start off relaxed and easy and then over time become more and more manipulative. I show them a mold for something I paint as attainable, a mold they will never be able to fill. None of them will fit this mold, I shape it so they can't. I want to blame my Scorpio-ness, but being a Scorpio doesn't make you manipulative. Being a scorpio isn't making me sabotage my love life.

I like the begging and the "I love you"s. The feeling of being important, of mattering to someone, that validation that I have power. I have control over some aspect of my life, and even greater yet, some aspect of someone else's life. In the breakup moment, I am irrevocably wanted. It doesn't matter that I'm not curvy or a world renowned chef or a model. I, in all my awkward, pale, lanky average at best glory, am someones world. Its not about their pain or suffering, It's about me. I don't cheat or hurt them; I simply just out of the blue, end things. I blindside them when everything could be perfect. I do it because I know they'll come back, at least the first time. Because their self worth isn't developed yet, because they'll spend every waking moment thinking of me. Its days, weeks, months, and maybe even years that they will think. of me. I do it because I can justify being the one that taught them what love shouldn't be. 

We all feel it. It could be a raindrop or a tsunami, we all feel the power, validation, and feeling of being desired that accompanies a heartbreak. 

                                                                                                                           -Goober, July, 10, 2018